Thursday, December 10, 2009



You want to go on dates! That’s so awesome! The thing is, you seem to be completely oblivious to the rules of dating, the rules of being a gentleman and the general laws that come along with being a normal member of society. You seem great – you really do – so I’m gonna help you out. Here are my rules of dating. Read them. Learn them. Understand that I’m just trying to help. Don’t get pissy.


1- If you meet someone online, don’t suggest meeting up in a month. If you don’t want to meet someone right away, it will set off alarm bells in their mind saying “DING DING DING! LOSER ALERT! THIS PERSON OBVIOUSLY HAS SOME SORT OF HIDEOUS PERSONALITY/FACE!” Yep, for real. It looks like you’re just trying to trick them into liking your personality and developing feelings via emails and texts, and then when you meet…BAM! Six fingers on one hand, perverted comments to the waitress and a horrible body odour. Meet someone within two weeks of first contact. Grow some balls.

2- Speaking of balls, just because a girl is really funny and easy going, doesn’t mean you can just tell dick jokes all night. She may be vulgar on stage or with her friends, but it doesn’t mean she wants to spend Sunday afternoon listening to you tell the hilarious story about that time you came on a girls tits while your mom was in the other room. This is not good first date material. Treat a woman with respect. Imagine what dating was like in the 1950s and try to be like that. A gentleman.

3- Don’t ask her how many people she’s slept with. Just don’t. Unless you’ve been seeing each other for a while and she brings it up, don’t ask her that question.

4- If you *do* somehow manage to wrangle the answer out of her, don’t comment on it. Don’t say that she has you beat. Don’t start getting jealous or pissed off. Don’t start fishing for compliments and saying “so how do I measure up against the other 30 guys?” It’s not a competition.

5- Stop talking shit about yourself. A little self-deprecation is okay; hey, we all do it and we all find it funny! But to constantly say things like “Oh, you’re not going to want a second date with me”, “I’m pretty ugly” and “I’m not very good in bed” is just going to piss someone off. I’m not saying be a cocky motherfucker and act like the king of all kings…but the more you talk-down about yourself, the more turned off someone will be. Sell yourself!

6- People don’t want projects. When we were 17 we were okay with dating people who were depressed, cynical and complained all the time, but now we are adults. We all have our own shit to deal with and we all have our own insecurities, so we don’t need to take on anyone else’s problems. Of course when you’re with someone you can always lend a supportive shoulder…but that shoulder has to go two ways. When one person is constantly supporting and the other person is constantly whining, the supporter gets pretty tired pretty quickly. If you have so much to work out that you start spilling your guts on a first date, you should probably take some time and get to know yourself before getting to know someone else.

7- In the same vein, don’t let the crazy show. Women are nuts. Men are nuts. We’re all nuts. Don’t let the crazy show too soon. If they don’t respond to a text right away, don’t send another one ten minutes later asking why they’re ignoring you and calling them a bitch. Maybe they were just sweeping glitter off the living room floor or having a shower. Just. Fucking. Chill.

8- If you are missing an arm, tell the person before meeting them face to face. It’s rude to shock someone like that.

Have any other advice? Add it. Don’t think this advice applies to you? Think again.


  1. How about:

    9- Don't string people along. After 2-3 months of dating, you should have an idea if things have the potential to move forward or not. Either way, you should probably discuss with your date and see what she (or he) thinks. If you agree the relationship has potential, keep going. If not, now would probably be the right time to split up, especially if you are still on good terms. If you and your um-friend/date/whatever term you want to use have different views on where things are going, then you may wish to go on for a month or two more. If by then you still aren't convinced that the relationship is going anywhere then you should break it up.

  2. "Imagine what dating was like in the 1950s and try to be like that. A gentleman."

    What if I'm a greaser, and I drive an enormous piece of Detroit rolling iron? Or my name is Biff Tannen?

    I think that if I've learned anything from the movies, it's that there were as many, if not more, douchebags then as there are now. And it was condoned and encouraged by society.

    Maybe the early 60's would be better. Date like your parents are watching you, and they are VERY disappointed in you, young man.
    And if she's a Red, she ain't comin' home for dinner.

  3. Here's one: ask a girl about herself. Don't use the date as an opportunity to practice you self-congratulatory monolouge of greatness. Conversation take two people sharing, not one person lecturing.

  4. Another one: Guys, if the girl doesn't put out on the first date, don't get pissed and make up BS excuses like "40 minutes is too far away for me" or "I just want to be friends" for justifying not seeing her again when you think you should've had the right to get into her pants.

    She may actually like you, she just wants to keep things under wraps for a few more dates before she decides if you're worthy of... um... "unwrapping" her.