Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Big Blob of Meh

I used to be a very creative person. I was always acting, writing, drawing, painting…I was always creating. Lately, though, I don’t feel like a creative person at all. I feel like a, *gasp*, Normal!

I don’t know if I’ve been in a funk, if I’ve lost my spark, if I’ve let my day job get the better of me or if I’ve become lazy, but I don’t think I’ve written anything in weeks and I haven’t had any great ideas in months. I feel like I don’t use my brain! I don’t know how I’m going to do NaNoWriMo and write a 50,000 word novel in November if I can hardly manage to write a blog post or a sketch each day.

I’m so envious of people who are always creating. People who are thinking up new shows or painting new canvasses, writing writing writing or getting together for jam sessions…I mean, I’m really jealous of them! I want to be inspired and I want to be an inspiration! Instead, I’m just some big blob of “meh” who tells jokes once in a while.

I think it all comes down to me being lazy. I love challenging myself and learning new things, but I learned a long time ago that I could coast by without really doing too much. In high school I never did homework, in university I chose easy essay questions and never bought textbooks..and somehow I managed to get averages in the 80s and graduate with distinction. I would write papers the night before and get the same mark as a friend that spent two months writing it. I learned that I didn’t really have to use my brain. I'm like that kid in 4th grade that starts acting out because they're gifted and should be moved to 5th grade (funfact: I was moved to a few 5th grade classes in grade 4). It was like cheating the system, but I was really only cheating myself (cue after school special theme song).

So now I’ve become older, more jaded, more Toronto and more bitter. I’ve lost that passion for life and creating, and I’m really not sure where it went. My brain knows that it doesn’t really need to work, so it doesn’t. I read articles on fantastic scientific discoveries, but I don’t process them. Lack of brain power + speed reading = skimming articles and not really knowing what I just read. That’s why I had such a hard time with literary theory in university; you actually had slow down and read what you were reading, and really think about it. I’m not a slow reader and I’m not a big thinker. So I got 60s in the course.

I think I need to re-train my brain. Maybe even re-do my life. Jenny 2.0. I want to get back that passion and lust for life and learning, and really exercise my brain. I want to create. I want to do yoga. I want to write without getting distracted by the internet. I want to come home after work and do something more than watch reality TV (not that I’m knocking reality TV…I just think my nights could be spent better). I don’t know why I’ve become this big blob of nothing that doesn’t use the brain she has, but it really sucks and I wish it wasn’t this way.

It takes a lot to break a habit, so how long will it take to change a life?


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