Picture this:

While biking to work today, I encountered a hideous sight. I’m used to seeing the fat homeless lady airing out her under-skirt bits, and I’m used to seeing garbage strewn about. I even wouldn’t really be too surprised if I saw that naked woman sleeping on a bench again. But this…this was different.

Picture this: perfectly normal looking Asian girl. Big hair on top of her head, baggy layered sweater, purse with a small stuffed animal hanging off of it, tights, skirt, shoes…typical teenage/early 20s girl.

Now picture this: perfectly normal looking Asian girl squatting over the sewer grate with her tights pulled down and her skirt pulled up, taking a piss. At 7:45 in the morning. On Bloor street.

I honestly had to turn around and look back while I was biking by because I could not believe my eyes. This perfectly normal-looking girl was going to the bathroom in the middle of one of the busiest neighbourhoods in the city, right during the rush-hour commute. How did that even happen?! What possibly made her think that it was okay to pee in the middle of the street? It’s not even like it was a Friday night and she was wasted and her friends were holding her up saying "Sherri, no! Stop!". Eugh.

Now, I guess I should say that I may have seen her(?) holding a penis. So it may have been a man dressed as a woman, squatting and taking a pee over a sewer grate on Bloor street. While the “that is disgusting and you’re peeing all over yourself” factor is gone, the “what the fuck are you doing peeing on the street on a Tuesday morning” bit is still there. I was listening to a podcast last weekend about a woman who had traveled in Africa and she said that often times people would just stop and squat along the beach and she found it unnerving. I, too, would find it weird and gross, but I suppose I would expect it; if there’s no toilets or running water, you go where you can go. If there *are* toilets and you’re living in the biggest city in Canada, it’s really not cool to stop and squat in the middle of the street. Ever.

I never thought I’d wish to see fat homeless lady fanning herself so much.

I swear to god

I swear to god the next person that steps out into the road while I'm biking down it, I'm going to hit. If you seriously can't walk 10 feet to the intersection and cross there, then I seriously can't wait to run into you with my bike. And hopefully, the accident results in you bleeding.

And I swear to god the next person that pushes their stroller out in the middle of Yonge Street and tries to cross with their BABY, I'm going to fucking get off my bike, pick up the baby and chastise the parent hardcore. Then I'm going to kick the parent and make their baby watch until their baby cries and the parent cries because their baby is crying. Then I'm going to call the baby when they're like nine years old and I'm going to say "hey, your parents didn't care about your safety when you were a kid and they probably don't care about it now" and the nine year old will eat that shit up because that's what kids do. They're like sponges.

A man was mugged and no one helped. I'm not surprised.

I was watching Breakfast Television this morning (because I feel that since I’m an adult and work 9-5 it should be part of my life…but also because I don’t have a kitchen table and have to eat in the living room. Paradox!) and there was a story of a 79 year old man who was mugged on the subway this past weekend. While he got his wallet back (less $40) what most upset him was that no one helped him when it was happening. While this is sad and a bit disgusting, it is definitely not unexpected. Scenarios like this are becoming the norm.

When was the last time you entered a subway or streetcar and didn’t hear phat beats blaring out of someone’s headphones? For that matter, when was the last time you were on a subway and didn’t have your own phat beats blasting into your ears? We have become so engrossed in our music and mp3 players that we rarely have a chance to listen to the world around us. Combine this with the whole “I live in Toronto so I won’t look at anyone or respond to anything” cold shoulder that we’ve all grown over the years and it’s really not unexpected that no one helped this guy when he was getting mugged. Chances are they had no idea it was happening!

Just last weekend I got off a streetcar and happened to look up as it was passing me. I saw that my good friend Leigh was sitting in the seat RIGHT in front of me…and I had no idea! I was listening to my iPod (a science podcast, most likely) and looking out the window and didn’t even realize that a friend of six years had gotten on the car and sat directly in front of me.

A more somber example comes from a few years ago; I was on a GoTrain en route to Toronto with a few friends and saw in the next car over (you can see through little windows into the next car) that it looked like a girl was getting beat up by a large man. When the train stopped we went over and saw a tiny blonde woman, covered in blood and crying, who was just beat up by her boyfriend. People on the upper level of the train couldn’t hear her screaming because they had music in their ears. If we didn’t happen to be sitting in the right place at the right time, who knows what could have happened?

More and more we surround ourselves with little bubbles and miss what’s happening in the world around us – both bad AND good. And as someone who has been in Toronto for four years, I can attest that you just learn to ignore the shouting, screaming and talking around you; crazy homeless people yell at you every day on the street, teenage girls scream at nothing on the subway…I’ve had people stop and ask me the time and I simply say “sorry no” before realizing that they’re not asking me for money. You just learn to do your own thing and not pay close attention to what’s going on around you.

So it really wasn’t a surprise to me when the man stated that no one helped him on the subway. In all likelihood no one looked up from their mp3 players, books, Gameboys (do they call them Gameboys still?) or fingernails, and anyone that did hear a bit of shouting just chalked it up to teenagers being loud and annoying on the subway, as they usually are.

What happened to this man is terrible and, while I fully admit to adoring my iPhone and listening to podcasts whenever I use the TTC, maybe we should all try to unplug once in a while and listen to what’s going on around us. Brids signing, buskers busking, teenagers screaming and all.

Back to Bike!

I resolved to only buy a metropass for the coldest, snowiest months (Jan and Feb), meaning today was my first bike ride to work in a long time. It felt GREAT! I sat tall and bundled in mittens and my winter coat, and, though my legs ached a bit as I was fighting against the wind, it was nice to be back out on my bike again. I feel like I may regret my decision later this week, as it's supposed to snow/rain/sleet later on...but hey, at least I'm getting exercise and saving $121 a month!

The potholes, though, are epic this Spring. Last year I thought they were bad, but this year they could win a medal for being so terrible. I swerved around them the whole way, and three of them were as long, wide and deep as my thigh. And my thighs aren't tiny.
It also made me realize how much I missed the asshole drivers I used to encounter every day on my commute; the guy with the excessively large truck who tries to drive fast in morning rush hour traffic, the Purolator guy who drives slowly and pulls to the side last-minute all the time, making me worry I'll get squished between him and the curb...I missed the adrenaline rush.

Ass and potholes aside, it really was great to be back out there again. And I burned 170 calories! Alright!

A True Torontonian?

The older I get, the more stubborn I become.

I used to be a pretty passive, easy-going, happy person. Things wouldn’t get to me, I wouldn’t hold grudges, I was okay with every-day little “irks” and let them wash over me without a thought. Now, though, things are different. When someone doesn’t hold the door open as they walk through it (thereby slamming the door in my face when I’m right behind them) I get so angry I could scream. When someone challenges me on something, I’ll speak up and challenge them right back. I won’t let people walk all over me, and if someone doesn’t have time for me after I repeatedly make time for them, I stop putting in the effort and let the relationship fizzle out. Maybe it’s Toronto, maybe it’s all part of growing up, but I’ve definitely become a stubborn bitch.

I really should start doing yoga again.

All these bitchy things aside, though, my newfound trait really is doing great things for me!

If I set a challenge for myself physically, I do it. Whether it’s biking an hour straight, doing 25 squats instead of 20, or swimming to a point in a lake (then having to use a life jacket to swim back because I started sinking and my friend was worried I would drown), I set myself a goal and I do it. I have to finish it, or else I get pissed off and angry with myself.

I also set myself goals of learning two new things this year: Italian and the ukulele. I downloaded a free Italian podcast (which is absolutely fantastic and I would highly recommend if you’re interested in learning the language. They also have Spanish and French, too!) and practice it every day because I’m determined to learn by the summer. I go on YouTube and practice my uke every other day, even though it totally kills my fingers. I’m terrible at the ukulele, but am really pumped to learn at least a few things on it so I can use it on stage.

I used to start things and never finish them, but for whatever reason 2010 has brought along this new stubbornness (determination?) and I really like it. I like pushing myself and even find it a little bit exhilarating to be so competitive. I think it’s a great thing, and I feel it’s what will really lead me towards accomplishing big goals I’ve set for myself, like my 200km Ride in the summer, getting an agent, losing 50lbs and finding a hot Italian lover.

Aside from the whole “getting angry and wanting to yell at people because they’re so dumb” thing, I’m really digging this. I really should get into yoga again, though. I don’t want to be a totally cold-hearted bitch forever.

Get me some tokens

Last night I was rushing from the gym to the theatre, and I stopped to get tokens from one of the machines. I put my $10 in, got my four tokens and was happily on my way, when I saw a man on the opposite side of the turnstiles holding a $10 bill out to me and saying "get me some tokens".

Huh? Get you some tokens?

He wasn't being polite or asking me nicely...he simply said "get me some tokens" with a shrug and a hand gesture as if to say "come on, just do it". No "please", no "excuse me"...nothing. It was almost as if he was thinking "You're a woman, do this for me now."

I told him that no, sorry, I had to rush to the theatre so I wasn't going to wait in line and get him tokens. He said "come on" and I said "no, just show the collector and I'm sure he'll let you back in". I was pissed and offended.

I walked away with a mixture of feelings; I was offended that the guy had just assumed I would wait in line and do this for him. I was angry that he didn't even say "excuse me, I'm very sorry to do this but..." or "I'll even give you one of the tokens if you do this for me"...I felt he was being very rude. I felt guilty because I hadn't helped this guy out. I felt okay because if I gave that strangers five minutes of my time, what if I NEVER got a thank-you and ended up being even later than I already was? I was torn.

I try to live my life to make others happy and make the world a better place; if I followed more closely the things that I read, I really SHOULD have helped this guy. Karma, karma, karma! But at the time I was angry, running late and offended, so I decided not to. I mean, the guy could have come out and done it himself - I've done it many times and the collectors have let me right back in, so why would this be any different? Was I right? Wrong? Is there a right or wrong in this matter? I'm still feeling badly about it.

What would you have done?

I think you're a jerk...

I think you’re a jerk if…

- you stand in subway doors
- you stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie your shoe/talk to a friend/read a book
- you listen to your mp3 player so loudly that I can’t hear my music over yours
- you don’t hold the door for someone as you walk through
- you get off an escalator and don’t move to the side
- you snap and holler to get a server’s attention
- you work in customer service/are a cashier and don’t smile or say hello when I go through your check-out line
- you have blue lights under your car and drive really fast down a residential street
- you walk four-abreast on the sidewalk
- (okay, I guess most of these points have to do with people being in my way)
- you walk four-abreast on the sidewalk really slowly and smoke, causing you to blow smoke into my face while I try to maneuver around your stupid group
- you drive a Hummer
- you take up two seats on the subway/streetcar
- you litter

I could go on. Basically, I really just think people should be nice to each other, especially if you don’t know the person. Just because someone is a stranger doesn’t mean you should be rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. C’mon. Jerks.

What do you think makes someone a jerk?

I saw a hawk on the way home

On the bike ride home from work I tend to cross from Wellesley through a park to Harbord.  Today when I came into the park, I saw a group of people blocking the sidewalk, looking up into a tree.  Coming closer, I saw that there was a Red-Tailed Hawk having an early dinner of fresh pigeon.  He was just hanging out up there, munching away, tearing flesh and feathers with his sharp talons and beak, as everyone below was watching in quiet awe.  

I’ve seen this kind of thing before.  My dad was a falconer so I grew up with falcons, hawks, eagles and owls in the backyard.  I knew how to hold a raptor when I was four years old and often helped dad with feeding when he was at work, so seeing the bird really brought back memories.  Although it wasn’t a once in a lifetime thing to me, it was still special; surrounding me were men and women in suits and skirts, riding bikes and walking home, briefcases at their sides and cars honking around us.  Rush-hour traffic in the heart of the city and here was one of the purest forms of nature happening right before our eyes.  A glimpse into the private diet of a strong creature.  It was awesome.  

If only I had my camera!  I’ve gotta get me one of those $99 iPhones…

Toronto Street Festivals 2009

With May coming to an end it's time we start planning our summers. Throw on your sunscreen and be sure to check out these great Toronto street festivals:

Bloor Annex BIA - June 14th, 12:00pm-6:00pm
Bloor street closed from Bathurst to Spadina with tables set-up showcasing the Annex's great wares. Hopefully Organics on Bloor has fresh fruit again this year!

Taste of Little Italy - June 19th, 6pm-2am, 20th -12:00pm-2am, 21st - 12:00:pm-10pm
Throw on your flip flops and trendy tops as Little Italy prepares to party all weekend! During the day expect tons of good food (though, I'll admit, not too many great deals), carnival games, old Italian cars and scooters and more gelatto than you could shake a stick at. In the evening expect patios to expand and overflow. College street from Bathurst-Ossington(ish)

Big On Bloor - June 20th, 1:00pm-9:00pm
I randomly happened by this HUGE festival last year and was really happy I stumbled into it. Big On Bloor closes down Bloor street from Christie to Landsdowne, giving you 2.5km of car-free, browsers heaven. Tons of jewelry stands, clothing stuff, records, books...not to mention delicious food from around the world! Thai, Ethiopian, Mexican, Indian...definitely a festival for spice lovers.

Festival of South Asia - August 22nd-24th, 10:00am-1:00am
Gerrard street from Coxwell-Greenwood. If you've never been to Little India this is the time to go. Not only does Gerrard street stay lively, loud, bright and delicious until late in the day, but you can get tons of cheap, fantastic Indian food. Really, you need to check this festival out. My idea: plan a day that takes you from the beach to the festival. I recommend Mango Lassi's after a hot day in the sun.

Taste of the Danforth - August 7th-9th, Probably 10am-10pm? Except for Sunday?
Everyone's most loved and most hated street festival, Taste of the Danforth is back to stuff you with all the overpriced gyros, spanakopitas and lemonade it can. This festival is all about food and free razors. Seriously, I've gotten my last three razors there every year. Thanks Gilette! Be sure to check out free performances on a few stages as well as (plug plug plug) great improv at Bad Dog Theatre.

I'm sure there are a few more great festivals I missed - feel free to add them in the comments!

Doors Open Toronto

The 10th Annual Doors Open Toronto goes down this weekend (May 23rd and 24th) and I'm excited to check it out. Doors Open happens all over Ontario and the world, giving the public free access to hundreds of historical, remarkable and interesting buildings around the city. Some highlights I'm looking forward to seeing include Casa Loma, Fort York, the Spadina Museum, Queen's Park and the Don Valley Brickworks (sure I could sneak into Brickworks any time, but guided tours are so much more fun! I also hear they're "revitalizing" the building, so it could be a last chance before construction gets underway.) There are hundreds more buildings open to the public over the weekend including tons of churches/religious centres, old houses, new buildings...all of it free!

Check back after the weekend for pics and stories about what I saw.

Cycle and the City

This article from The Star discusses a great new project popping up next week in Montreal - bike rentals. Montreal is a great city for biking; why can't Toronto be too? Sure we have a couple bike lanes around the university and some great senic bike trails...but what about people trying to get around the city? Instead of worrying about the streets, we worry about the sidewalks.

I don’t understand why there is such a need to expand sidewalks in the city; people are going to walk three and four-abreast no matter how big sidewalks are, and making them bigger is just going to add to the congestion. Try walking down the streets in Little Korea in the evenings – you won’t be able to pass a gaggle of teenagers no matter how big the sidewalk is.

Expanding sidewalks would be great, but isn’t the biggest deal. If people would just use a bit of common sense and courtesy, there wouldn’t be a problem on sidewalks. It’s those who refuse to give way to others, walk three abreast with SUV strollers and stop in the middle of the sidewalk to tie shoes and talk on phones who are the problem.

Let's add some bike lanes. Or if we’re not going to add bike lanes, why not try and fix up the side of the roads a bit so when you’re biking down them (instead of biking on the busy sidewalk) you don’t have things breaking and falling off your bike from all the gaping holes and bumps that surround sewer grates. My rear light has fallen so many times I had to tape it on – and that’s just from an easy ride down Bloor street!

We should follow Montreal's ideas and do more for cyclists in the city. Especially if, as the article states, Toronto is to follow suit with the rental program! No one is going to want to rent bikes if they have no safe place to ride them.

Spring has Sprung!

Spring has sprung and the world is green again!

As Canadians, we spend about six months of the year in drab, brown, cold, seemingly unending bad weather. September winds down and October brings a brilliant last hurrah with leaves turning splendid oranges, reds and yellows and a cool, fresh smell in the air. Then the leaves fall, the world turns brown and we settle in for months of cold and snow.

By the beginning of April, though, the air warms and the snow melts and we put up with rain because, as the adage goes, “April showers bring May flowers”. Every so often we have beautiful, glorious, summer-like days where windows get open and rugs get shaken off the balcony.

It was this weekend that I really noticed the world has greened again. Buds on trees have exploded into leafy bunches, the grass is green and lush and practically begging to be sat on, tulips are out in full force, and everyone in the city wanted to be outside. Streets are crowded and waits for patios run 30 minutes. Kensington Market is once again vibrant and loud and smelly, the street meat vendors are out in full force and the ice cream truck comes down my street playing his tune every day between 5:30-5:45pm. Spring is a time of re-birth and life and the city definitely comes alive when the sun shines and our air is warm. We soak up the sun and leave windows open, wear dresses and flip flops as much as we can because we know that in just a few, fast months it’ll all be over and we’ll be back in long coats and thick socks, battling our cases of SAD’s once more.

Those people with year-round warmth don’t know how good they have it.

The Axe Was Everywhere: My first strip club experience

Originally written some time in October

I went to a strip club last night.  Yep, a male strip club.  Went onstage, got a lap dance and saw more penis and bum than I’ve ever seen before.  It was an absolute blast. 

We got in and were seated in big, cushioned chairs on wheels, right at the front of the stage.  I looked around and was awed; a huge brass-railing jungle, glimmering red, green and black lights, steady gino beats intermingled with Nickelback, and cologne thicker than the first floor the The Bay.  Instantly we were welcomed by two very muscular, very unusually smooth men who kissed us on our cheeks and whispered in our ears.  I felt very welcomed and special. 

I ordered a glass of the house white (just because you’re in a place where hormones and shaved genitals run rampant doesn’t mean you can’t be classy) and as I sipped, ladies from the audience were encouraged to fake orgasms to win dildos.  A nice start to the evening. 

Our first performer was a man dressed in leather and bad sunglasses.  He danced and at first no one was screaming or clapping for him…until I saw an older woman go up, a fiver in her cleavage, and wait patiently for him to notice her.  He did and for thirty seconds she was in heaven, made to feel special.  Then another lady went up and another…apparently he catered to the older, bleached blonde, momjeans crowd.  These women went up again and again, showering him with fives and closing their eyes each time he held their waist.  Part of me found it funny, and part of me found it sad.  Mostly I kept thinking to myself “please don’t ever let me end up like that.”  I really don’t want to be the lonely regular at the strip club who gets her cheques cashed in fives.  I don’t want the only thing that makes my loins quiver to be an oiled-up man at the strip club in Barrie.  I don’t want to bring my daughter to the strip club (seriously, there were least three mother-daughter pairs there). 

Eventually my friend paid for me to go onstage and I ended up on the ground with a man named Enrique.  He was dressed as a sailor and was both an officer and a gentleman…well, that is, when he wasn’t dry-humping my hip bone.  Later in the evening, the girls paid for me to get a lap dance from Enrique.  Picture this: I’m in my chair, laughing my ass off as this sweaty, unusually smooth (really, no hair whatsoever!) guy is taking off his pants in front of me….he proceeds to ‘mount’ me and as he thrusts into me, my chair falls backwards. 

Yes, I was in the broken chair.  When he pumped, we fell backwards. 

It was possibly the most hilarious thing that’s ever happened to me. We laughed, got up and I tried to make awkward and unnecessary chitchat (as I’m prone to do) for the rest of the dance.  When he was done, he told me I had nice boobs.  I took it as a compliment because he probably doesn’t say it to all the girls, right? 

It was interesting how business-like, yet convincing the men were; at one moment they’re looking deep into a woman’s eyes and kissing her hand, and the next they’re looking around the room, eagerly seeking that next person they can entertain.  I found this was the case when Enrique was on top of me, rubbing his penis somewhere around my lower stomach region.  No talking, just business.  I felt used.  Funny how that worked… 

Interesting, too, how many emotions and thoughts I had throughout the night; I was sad and embarrassed for the guys who didn’t make much or get many screams.  I was filled with pity for the 50-something women hopeful for that touch in the right spot.  I laughed at the acts and felt ashamed when the men, many of whom were all the way down to naked, crawled around on the ground to pick up their bills at the end of their set.  I was horny.  I was uncomfortable.  

Lots if people say stripping is wrong and indecent and raunchy; it objectifies men and women and makes sex lewd – and to some extent yes, it does.  But how is it any different from watching porn, or a guy wanting to give his girlfriend a ‘facial’, or whatever else we do behind closed doors?  We all fantasize, and a strip club is just one way to bring the fantasy to life.  I mean, we had cops, prisoners, firefighters…these were the things dreams are made of! 

The strip club was a fun and eye-opening experience.  Harmless fun with a group of girlfriends, a little more serious for those older desperate women, and even though my friend went back again and got propositioned by a pimp, it’s something I’d do again…in a few years.