Big Blob of Meh

I used to be a very creative person. I was always acting, writing, drawing, painting…I was always creating. Lately, though, I don’t feel like a creative person at all. I feel like a, *gasp*, Normal!

I don’t know if I’ve been in a funk, if I’ve lost my spark, if I’ve let my day job get the better of me or if I’ve become lazy, but I don’t think I’ve written anything in weeks and I haven’t had any great ideas in months. I feel like I don’t use my brain! I don’t know how I’m going to do NaNoWriMo and write a 50,000 word novel in November if I can hardly manage to write a blog post or a sketch each day.

I’m so envious of people who are always creating. People who are thinking up new shows or painting new canvasses, writing writing writing or getting together for jam sessions…I mean, I’m really jealous of them! I want to be inspired and I want to be an inspiration! Instead, I’m just some big blob of “meh” who tells jokes once in a while.

I think it all comes down to me being lazy. I love challenging myself and learning new things, but I learned a long time ago that I could coast by without really doing too much. In high school I never did homework, in university I chose easy essay questions and never bought textbooks..and somehow I managed to get averages in the 80s and graduate with distinction. I would write papers the night before and get the same mark as a friend that spent two months writing it. I learned that I didn’t really have to use my brain. I'm like that kid in 4th grade that starts acting out because they're gifted and should be moved to 5th grade (funfact: I was moved to a few 5th grade classes in grade 4). It was like cheating the system, but I was really only cheating myself (cue after school special theme song).

So now I’ve become older, more jaded, more Toronto and more bitter. I’ve lost that passion for life and creating, and I’m really not sure where it went. My brain knows that it doesn’t really need to work, so it doesn’t. I read articles on fantastic scientific discoveries, but I don’t process them. Lack of brain power + speed reading = skimming articles and not really knowing what I just read. That’s why I had such a hard time with literary theory in university; you actually had slow down and read what you were reading, and really think about it. I’m not a slow reader and I’m not a big thinker. So I got 60s in the course.

I think I need to re-train my brain. Maybe even re-do my life. Jenny 2.0. I want to get back that passion and lust for life and learning, and really exercise my brain. I want to create. I want to do yoga. I want to write without getting distracted by the internet. I want to come home after work and do something more than watch reality TV (not that I’m knocking reality TV…I just think my nights could be spent better). I don’t know why I’ve become this big blob of nothing that doesn’t use the brain she has, but it really sucks and I wish it wasn’t this way.

It takes a lot to break a habit, so how long will it take to change a life?

/rant

Writin' n' Stuff

It’s amazing how creativity and inspiration can come and go seemingly on a whim. While holed up on my couch, purging what can only be described as “the devil’s idea of hilarious” from my body, I kept thinking of things I wanted to write about; jokes, musings, blog entries and sketches all popped into my mind and I thought “I have to write that down!” Tyra would come back on or Maurry would tell someone they were NOT the father and eventually the sparks of creation would sputter and die, often sad that they had not been turned into great bonfires of awesome. It’s a lesson that I have to learn all the time, and a lesson I constantly punish myself for: when you have an idea, write it down. Sure, looking back over it in a few weeks may seem ridiculous (ie- I have a note in my stand-up book that simply says “trailer park dick”. I have no idea what this refers to..but you’ve gotta admit it’s pretty funny), but if it’s written down then you can work on it.

In my iPhone I have a note with about 20 lines of ideas I’ve written on the go. Some of them are great, some of them are waiting to be made great, and some are total crap. Often times when I sit down to write about the line, the original idea is gone and I wrack my brain trying to remember what I was going to base the idea around. Sometimes I’ll remember perfectly, other times I’ll bounce off that idea and form a new one, and sometimes it’s gone completely. I guess it’s just the way of the creative writer; you need to hop on those ideas before they die out.

I finished a book by one of my favourite authors last night and went to her website, curious to see if there was going to be another one coming any time soon. To my surprise, she has something like eight books coming out this year…and she has consistently published numerous books each year for the past two decades! How the hell does she do it? How can one person have so many ideas in there that they can produce a huge volume of work every year (and good quality work, too!) I was humbled and inspired. Then Maurry announced who the father was and I got distracted…

I’m starting to notice that the best time for me to write seems to be around 9am. Not very good considering I work 8:30-5. Maybe I need to start getting up early and writing at the kitchen table? I doubt I’d produce anything worthwhile.

Maybe I should quit my job and write all the time?

Just think of it! I could wake up at 8am and go for a run. Come home, shower, make eggs, brew coffee and be writing by 9:15am. Write, doodle, surf, chat, yoga, meditate, lunch, write, nap, rehearse, eat, sleep…every day would be lovely and relaxing! I could meet people for lunch dates! I could take long walks! I could cook elaborate meals! I could connect with myself and find that “happy, zen-like Jenny” I once had those few years ago! And for evenings and weekends I could sell my body to pay my bills. Unemployed days and nights full of sex? I mean, how does that NOT sound awesome?

Alas, I don’t think my morals or my mother (or my unending fear of money and bills) would allow me that sort of life. Unless…

How much do you think I could make by going on the Maurry show?

Update: I love Stacey too

Update:
My roommate Stacey has weighed in on Lola’s writings in a mass Facebook thread:

Stacey:
ALTERNATE THEORY:
Lola is, in fact, a conduit, attempting to communicate IN BINARY, transcribing part of a Department of Defense satellite transmission!!Any day now we will come home to find binary-covered pieces of paper laid out across the floor of the living room, forming an image of Jenny's face.
[Note: we are watching the X-Files series and there was an episode where a kid was watching static and binary and he was actually listening to satellite transmissions.]

Mike:
An interesting theory Stacey, although a theory that would deny Lola agency as an artist. However, it is true that I observed Lola enter into a trance-like state while producing her work--possessed by the Muses or by Little Green Men?

Note: I have more photos, and video, of Lola's creative process.

Stacey:
We must observe the documentary evidence carefully to determine if Lola is an artist or an abductee to ensure that she gets the help she needs.The following website was quite helpful in offering signs you or your cat have been abducted or possessed- note especially:

20) “SPECIAL”: You have a feeling that secretly, known only to yourself, you are special or chosen by someone, somehow [if this doesn't describe Lola I don't know what does]
40) ELECTRONIC MALFUNCTION: Certain electronic appliances, (computers, digital watches, etc.) seem to malfunction in your presence with no explanation. [THE DVD PLAYER!]
48) AFRAID OF THE CLOSET: Have you ever been or are you now afraid of your closet or any closet in the house, having to make certain the door(s) are always shut? [As you may have noticed, Lola often stares at/bats at the closet door in the living room-- possible portal to another realm?]
50) REMAIN VIGILANT: Fear that if you do not remain vigilant you will be taken away by someone. [THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL NOW PEOPLE!]

These are the people I live with. They’re amazing.

I love Mike

There are a few people on this Earth that I love more than anything. My friend Mike is one of them.

Mike is an artist, writer, photographer, and has been unemployed for a while. He's been hanging out with the cat a lot lately.

Here is a message Mike sent me. I was literally laughing so hard I was crying. Mascara everywhere. I hope it's as funny for you:

Late last night while lying down, Lola hopped up on my bed and placed her paws across my laptop's keypad. I opened a blank MSWord document to set up a cute photograph of her being "Secretary Cat". [note: we call Lola 'Secretary Cat' around the house. I'm not sure why.]

Then she began to type! She shifted her paws around and letters came streaming across the screen!

What she wrote wasn't a formal letter to executives or an interoffice memo, nothing so banal. No, she was making something much more expressive, creative, personal: Art.

It has become clear to me that what Lola has made is the script for a performance/sound poem. Not letting herself be confined by the structures of words, sentences and syntax, she has made something pure and beautiful.

Furthermore, I believe that what hitherto we have thought to be frequent and irrational meowing is indeed Lola's experiments with language. Not meant to be an annoyance, Lola's meows can be interpreted as spontaneous art "happenings".

What follows below is a section of her newly written sound poem, Untitled:

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

I love Mike.

The Jenny Alphabet

I have never learned the military alphabet. I don’t know where people learn this alphabet and I’m not sure why people learn it, but somehow I missed that lesson. It’s not a huge deal; it doesn’t come up in most peoples’ everyday conversation so what does it matter if they say “A like Apple” or “A like Alpha”? For me, though, I have to spell things out like that over the phone every other day and since I never learned the “proper” way to do it, I made up my own words.

Here are the two versions, military and Jenny:

Alfa - Apple
Bravo - Bob
Charlie - Cat
Delta - Danger
Echo - Elizabeth
Foxtrot - Frank
Golf - Golf (okay, this one is the same)
Hotel - Hello
India - I've never had to make up one for "I". Most things don't sound like "I".
Juliet - Jump
Kilo - Kitten
Lima - Love
Mike - Mary
November - Nancy
Oscar - Octopus
Papa - Pretty
Quebec - Alright, ditto "I"
Romeo - Roger
Sierra - Sunshine (which for some reason always makes people laugh and say "aw so cute")
Tango - Tophat
Uniform - Under
Victor - Vortex
Whiskey - If someone can't hear "W" properly then they're super dumb
Xray - Nothing better than Xray
Yankee - Yellow
Zuhu - Zoo

So there we have it. If you call me and ask me to spell out my name you'll get "S like sunshine, e, r, w, y like yellow, l, o like octopus". Maybe I should try to learn the military alphabet, but I kind've like my words better. I mean, why say "Delta" when you could say "Danger"?

Good thing I never stuck with Air Cadets.