Thoughts about Weight-Loss 2: My Daily Indulgence

I've been on the "lose weight" wagon for a few months now and have been writing about it every now and then. I've decided to share some of it here, which scares the shit outta me. Admitting these things is hard and extremely personal, as I don't hold anything back...but I think that writing them down and letting people read them is going to be good for me. Freeing. Motivating, even. Who knows.

Is there anything better than a big mug of hot chocolate on a cold Sunday night?

As someone privileged enough to live in an apartment in an almost 100-year old, drafty house (read: someone too broke to afford a nice apartment in a warm, new-windowed high rise) I've come to know my cold pretty well. Toronto doesn't get as cold as, say, Ottawa or Shebrooke, but when it gets pretty cold, it feels very cold. We're Torontonians. We're pussies.

So as I'm sitting on my couch, curled up in my secret Snuggie and trying to figure out how to warm my back with this almost-robe, I think to myself "damn, a hot chocolate would be awesome right now." My insides are already up and half off the couch, but my mind is saying "No, Jenny. Stop. Don't think that. You don't need hot chocolate and can't have it." Then my tongue disagrees and talks back, and my mind gets offended...it's a messy situation.

I wonder why I have these urges, these intense cravings, for chocolate and other such junk. Maybe I'm related to the Myans? Maybe I've treated it like a food group/snack/breakfast for so long that my body starts to freak out if I don't get my daily indulgence? Maybe I have absolutely no willpower?

When it comes right down to it, I figure I NEED a bit of chocolate every day. I'm sure a trainer or nutritionist would disagree, but hear me out: I know myself. If I deny myself something I will obsess over it -OBSESS- until I can have it. I'm talking "walk 20 minutes at 11pm in the snow to get to a store and grab yourself a bag of Oreos" kind of obsess. Followed closely by an "eat an entire row of Oreos in one sitting, then put the bag in the cupboard, then go back to the bag in half an hour and eat another row" kind of binge. If I *know* this will happen, isn't it better to treat myself to a little bit of chocolate every day? Two squares of dark chocolate after a meal is better than two rows of Oreos, right?

I think it makes sense.

So I crave and I get emotional and I have the hardest time telling myself "no", so I eat. I don't need this hot chocolate - tea or a hot shower would make me warm too. But chocolate...that sweet, sweet cocoa that tempts me and makes my mouth water...I just can't say no.
Though maybe if my 100-year old, drafty apartment had a decent hot water system, a nice shower really could cure me of this chocolate obsession. People with good hot water systems are skinny, right?