Celery

Stop putting celery in stuff.

If I want a chicken salad sandwich, I want a chicken salad sandwich. Chicken + mayo = chicken salad. You throw celery in there and it ruins the integrity of the sandwich. It’s no longer “chicken salad”. It’s “Chicken Salad XTREME” or some shit. Stop putting stuff in there.

Would you put walnuts in a chicken salad sandwich you were serving to a friend or bedfellow you woke up beside and were like “shit I should feed this person” and all you had was leftover chicken, mayonnaise an old tortilla in the back of the fridge and an old can of beets you tried once but hated? No, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t put walnuts or pickles or beets or anything else in that sandwich because it would taste nasty. No one wants that stuff. If someone asks for a chicken salad sandwich, they’re thinking “Hm, I could really go for a plain ol’ chicken salad sandwich” not “I want the most flavourful thing in the world in my mouth right now”.

People think that celery doesn’t have a taste, but it does. It soooo does. It tastes like crap. I hate celery more than I hate green peppers, and green peppers are nasty. The only good thing about celery is that its taste doesn’t really invade a whole dish like green peppers do. Celery is useless and has no place in a chicken salad sandwich.

Here are some acceptable items to put in a chicken salad sandwich you make for yourself or a fancy friend:
- apples
- mustard
- herbs or spices like cayenne, basil, pepper, paprika
- almonds
- Do not put salt in your chicken salad sandwich. You already have mayo in it and I’m sure there’s salt in mayo. Watch your sodium intake, fools.

I’m not sure when celery became a staple of CSS’s, but it totally blows. Tim Horton’s, Holts…you are going to be hard-pressed to find an ‘on-the-go’ chicken salad sandwich without celery in it. Don’t even try. Just go for egg salad instead.